Resisting Bait: The Art of Peaceful Connection

Note: All client stories have been lovingly altered to protect privacy while preserving the heart of each transformation journey.

One day, while driving with my husband…

He started sharing about a problem he was facing at work. I felt that familiar urge rise up – the burning compulsion to jump in with advice and take control of his situation. After all, I had spent years taking the bait and, in my fear, overrunning his life with what I imagined were my incredible insights. But this time, I paused. I took a moment to think about how I wanted to respond in a new, empowered way. Instead of my usual stream of suggestions, I simply looked at him and said, “You got this!” I felt awkward saying something so different from my usual fix-everything response. But the way he quickly glanced over at me, with genuine, heartfelt warmth, and said “Thank you, honey!” melted my heart completely. In that moment, I realized something profound: all those times he’d shared about work challenges, he hadn’t actually been asking for my advice at all. His sharing had been his wonderfully sloppy way of asking for what all humans need – support and encouragement. In fact, he had been craving it from me. For years, I’d been answering a question he wasn’t even asking, missing the true invitation to connect.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
– Proverbs 15:1

The Dance with Bait

It starts with a familiar tug in your heart – that irresistible urge to jump in, fix things, make them right. Through working with individuals in families, I’ve discovered that these moments are what I call “bait” – subtle invitations to step into control mode. These invitations can feel almost impossible to resist, yet how we respond to them shapes the very foundation of our relationships.

Each time we take the bait, we unknowingly send a powerful message: “I don’t trust you.” This message, however unintended, creates an invisible wall between hearts – a distance that even the best intentions cannot bridge.

Here’s another example of this principle in action. My husband had just let our adorable chihuahua, Thor, outside. Something about Thor running into the neighbors’ yard frustrated him, and he started to express his aggravation with the tiny dog quite vocally. In the past, I would have gotten frustrated too, but it would have been at my husband for expressing his big feelings. I would have responded to him with stoniness or told him he was being ridiculous and needed to relax – which would have gone over like a lead balloon. Instead, resisting that bait, I went up to him and slid my hands around him. With a bright smile and gentle voice, I said, “We sure love little Thor.” He chuckled and walked into the other room. Moments later, he returned and apologized to me and our daughters for reacting in his frustration. But what happened next was even more beautiful – he scooped up little Thor, scratched behind his ears, and started telling our daughters funny stories about Thor’s puppy days. The whole energy in our home shifted from tension to tenderness. That moment showed me how resisting bait creates space for the natural goodness in our relationships to shine through. My husband hadn’t needed my correction; he’d already known he was overreacting. What he’d needed was the safety to find his way back to himself, which my trust had offered him.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
– Ephesians 4:2

Understanding the Control Cycle

The urge to control often stems from our own unexamined fears. When working with individual family members, I see this pattern repeatedly:

  1. Fear triggers our controlling response
  2. We take the bait by attempting to manage or direct
  3. Family members feel diminished or disrespected
  4. They either resist or comply reluctantly
  5. The relationship loses vitality
  6. Our fear increases, starting the cycle again

One of my clients, Sarah, initially came to me struggling with her response to her husband’s work challenges. “Every time he mentioned a problem at work,” she told me, “I’d jump in with solutions. I thought I was being helpful, but I was actually undermining his confidence.” When Sarah learned to resist this bait, their connection deepened significantly.

The Psychology of Bait

Bait appears in various forms, each designed to trigger our controlling instincts:

  • Leading questions (“Should I take that new job offer?”)
  • Subtle criticisms (“I guess this is how you want to handle it…”)
  • Crisis scenarios (“I don’t know if we can afford this…”)
  • Decision-seeking behavior (“What do you think I should do?”)

Another client, Amanda, shared a powerful example of recognizing and resisting parenting bait. “My husband commented that our daughter’s room was always messy. My face immediately felt hot. I feared he was implying I wasn’t teaching her responsibility. Instead of defending my parenting or criticizing his lack of involvement, I simply said, ‘I hear your concern.’ That response changed everything – he actually started helping with bedtime routines instead of critiquing.”

“Let your gentle spirit be known to all.”
– Philippians 4:5a

The Intimacy-Control Paradox

Here’s a crucial truth: intimacy and control cannot coexist. When we choose control, we sacrifice connection. When we choose connection, we must release control. David, another client, demonstrated this beautifully in handling his wife’s comments about his mother: “Instead of defending Mom or attacking my wife’s perspective, I just said, ‘I hear it’s not always easy. This sounds hard.’ That simple acknowledgment did more for our relationship than years of arguments.”

Developing Response Consciousness

The key to resisting bait lies in developing what I call “response consciousness” – the ability to pause and choose our response rather than reacting automatically. This skill develops through three stages:

1. Awareness

First, we must learn to recognize bait in the moment it appears. Rachel, a mother of three, shared a powerful example: “My son left his science project until the last minute. Instead of jumping in to rescue him or lecture him about procrastination, I simply said, ‘I trust you’ll figure this out.’ He spent the evening working diligently on it, and our relationship has grown stronger since I stopped taking that control bait.”

2. Alternative Response Development

Remember, you are the expert of your own life, and you always get to decide what’s right for you. No one knows your situation better than you do. But I invite you to consider: what would it be like to experiment with stretching your respect muscle? To try on these new responses and see how they feel? Like any muscle, our ability to resist bait grows stronger with practice. You might be surprised by what becomes possible when you choose trust over control.

Here’s your quick-reference guide for responding to bait:

  • “Whatever you think” – Use this when they’re seeking approval for decisions that are truly theirs to make
  • “That’s an interesting question” – Perfect for deflecting those moments of rhetorical engagement
  • “I trust your judgment on this” – When you want to reinforce their capability
  • “Ouch!” – A simple yet powerful way to address hurtful comments without escalation
  • Playful humor – To lighten tense moments without dismissing the situation

Let’s see how these responses might look in real situations. Remember, these aren’t rules – they’re invitations to experiment with a new way of relating:

When your husband says: “I’m thinking of exploring a different job and break out from this one…”

  • Old response: “Are you sure that’s wise? What about our mortgage? Have you really thought this through?”
  • New response: “Whatever you think” (trusting his judgment and capability)

When your daughter announces: “I’m considering dropping out of the debate team…”

  • Old response: “But you’ve worked so hard! You can’t quit now. You’ll regret this decision.”
  • New response: “That’s an interesting thought” (allowing her space to process)

When your spouse shares: “I don’t know if I’m handling this work situation right…”

  • Old response: “Well, here’s what you should do…” followed by a list of solutions
  • New response: “I trust your judgment on this” (reinforcing their capability)

When someone says: “You never support my decisions anyway…”

  • Old response: Defending yourself or counter-attacking
  • New response: “Ouch!” (acknowledging the hurt without escalating)

When your husband can’t find his wallet…

  • Old response: “If you’d just put it in the same place every time like I keep telling you…”
  • New response with playful humor: “It seems to be playing hide and seek with you!”

3. Trust Building Through Consistency

With consistent practice, new patterns emerge. Mindy shared how humor transformed her family dynamics: “When my husband would ask where his clean socks were, I used to get irritated and lecture him about laundry. Now I playfully respond, ‘Last I saw them playing together in the dirty clothes basket!’ It keeps things light, and amazingly, he’s started doing his own laundry more often.”

These changes might feel awkward at first – like learning to write with your non-dominant hand. But with practice, they become more natural, and the results can be transformative. Each time you successfully resist bait, you’re not just avoiding control; you’re actively building trust and deepening connection.

The Deeper Work of Releasing to Empower—Letting go of Inappropriate Control

Resisting bait requires more than just changing our responses – it demands a fundamental shift in how we view ourselves and our role in family relationships. This shift involves:

  1. Recognizing our limits of control
  2. Accepting others’ right to their own journey
  3. Trusting in the natural process of growth
  4. Releasing the need to manage outcomes
  5. Embracing vulnerability as strength

Jenna described her journey: “I used to lie awake worrying about my husband’s work stress, constantly offering suggestions over dinner and asking if he’d tried this or that solution. Learning to just listen and say ‘That sounds challenging’ instead of jumping in with fixes was the hardest skill I’ve ever learned – but it transformed our relationship.”

“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.”
– Proverbs 17:27

Understanding Appropriate Engagement

Through my time working with individuals in families, I’ve identified important distinctions between inappropriate controlling behavior and appropriate engagement. This looks different depending on whether we’re interacting with adults or with children in our care.

For Adult Relationships

Appropriate times to engage:

  • When someone explicitly asks for your preference
  • When acknowledging effort or achievement
  • When expressing your own needs or desires
  • When your physical or emotional well-being is at stake

Signs of inappropriate control with adults:

  • Offering unsolicited advice
  • Making decisions for others
  • Monitoring their progress
  • Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or choices

For Children and Teens

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
– Ephesians 6:4

With minors, especially young children, our role requires appropriate guidance while avoiding unnecessary control. Here’s a part of what this balance looks like:

Essential Guidance

  • Setting clear boundaries for safety
  • Teaching crucial life skills
  • Providing structure and consistent discipline
  • Managing health and education needs

Supporting Growth

  • Offering age-appropriate choices
  • Allowing safe natural consequences
  • Teaching problem-solving skills
  • Celebrating effort and progress
  • Gradually expanding freedoms with demonstrated responsibility

Signs of Inappropriate Control with Children:

  • Micromanaging tasks they can safely handle
  • Making all decisions without allowing age-appropriate choices
  • Refusing to let them experience safe, natural consequences
  • Taking responsibility for their emotions
  • Maintaining high control in areas where they’ve demonstrated responsibility

Emily, one of my clients, shared how this played out with her teenager: “I used to check his homework every night, reminding him constantly about assignments. When I learned to step back while maintaining appropriate oversight, I shifted to asking, ‘Do you have a plan for your studying?’ This gave him ownership while keeping me appropriately involved.”

The key is finding the balance between necessary guidance and inappropriate control. This balance shifts as children grow, requiring us to constantly adjust our approach.

The Gift of Trust

When we resist bait, we offer one of the most powerful gifts in relationships: trust. This trust operates on multiple levels:

  1. Trust in others’ capabilities
  2. Trust in the natural growth process
  3. Trust in God’s timing
  4. Trust in yourself to handle outcomes

Mary shared this insight about resisting bait with both her husband and children: “I used to micromanage everyone’s homework, chores, and schedules including my husband’s to-do list. It was exhausting, but I thought I was being helpful. Letting go felt terrifying at first, but now my kids are more responsible, and our home has more peace than ever. I didn’t realize how much my controlling was pushing everyone away.”

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
– Galatians 5:22-23

The Journey Forward

Your path to resisting bait is unique. If you are like me, some days you’ll feel like a master, and others you’ll wonder if you’re making any progress at all. That’s perfectly normal. What matters is your commitment to choosing connection over control, trust over tension, and peace over perfection in your family relationships.

Remember: Every time you resist bait, you’re not just avoiding inappropriate control – you’re actively choosing love, trust, and intimacy. And those choices, made consistently over time, create the deep, fulfilling connections that make families thrive.

Your Next Step

If you’ve recognized yourself in any of these stories and feel ready to explore a more peaceful path in your relationships, I invite you to discover more about what’s possible for you at JoyPath. Together, we can explore gentle yet powerful ways to create the connection you desire in your relationships.

Take your first step toward transformation by scheduling a consultation at JoyPath, where you’ll learn more about applying these skills in your unique situation. Your journey to deeper connections awaits.


A Note About JoyPath’s Gentle Protector Skills

The skill discussed in this article—Resisting Bait—is a vital component of the Skill Release to Empower by Letting Go of Inappropriate Control. It is one of the transformative Gentle Protector skills we practice at JoyPath. When combined with the other skills, these techniques facilitate powerful shifts in both life and relationships. To learn more about JoyPath’s comprehensive framework of Gentle Protector skills and their synergistic effects, explore the article  Understanding the Gentle Protector Skills.

© 2025 Joanna Hughes/JoyPath. All Rights Reserved

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