Understanding God’s Part and Our Part in Growth
What Is True Maturity?
Dear friend, true maturity isn’t just about growing older. Its about blossoming into the magnificent creation God designed you to be. Imagine stepping fully into your divine potential, using every gift and talent with confidence while becoming exactly who you were meant to be.
As Jim Wilder beautifully puts it: “Maturity is about reaching one’s God-given potential. It means maximizing our skills and talents and using them effectively while growing into the full capability of our individual designs.”
When we think about maturity, most of us have an intuitive sense of what it means. We recognize maturity when we see someone respond to criticism with grace, navigate conflict with wisdom, or sacrifice their own comfort for someone else’s wellbeing. We know immaturity when we witness someone lash out in anger, blame others for their mistakes, or demand that their needs be met regardless of the impact on others.
What many of us don’t realize is that emotional maturity develops through distinct stages, much like our physical growth. Just as we crawl before we walk and walk before we run, our emotional and relational capacities unfold in a natural progression. And like physical development, emotional growth can be delayed or disrupted by trauma, neglect, or simply not having the right conditions for healthy development.
This is where the Life Model’s Maturity Charts become such a valuable tool. Developed by Dr. Jim Wilder and his colleagues after decades of research and clinical practice, these charts map out five stages of emotional development: Infant, Child, Adult, Parent, and Elder. Each holds specific needs and tasks that build a foundation for the next stage.
Understanding these stages helps us identify areas where our emotional development may have stalled or been interrupted. These gaps aren’t character flaws or moral failings—they’re simply skills and capacities we haven’t yet developed, often because we lacked the relational support needed to master them.
True emotional maturity forms the foundation for spiritual growth. When we’re emotionally mature, we’re better equipped to hear God’s voice, respond to His leading, and reflect His character in our relationships. As our emotional capacity expands, so does our ability to experience the depths of God’s love and extend that love to others.
The Truth About Emotional & Spiritual Maturity
Remember this truth found in “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave Us”: “Maturity is not a spiritual gift, nor is it a byproduct of salvation.”
With Jesus by our side and 2-3 safe companions, we can tenderly address those maturity gaps as He provides the connections and opportunities we need to mature emotionally. We only become our true selves IN community with others. We can only reach personal wholeness (that beautiful shalom) when we’re lovingly, joyfully, peacefully, and securely attached in relationship.
And here’s the most liberating truth—maturity DOES NOT make us more valuable to God. It simply makes our journey infinitely more fulfilling. Likewise, emotional immaturity doesn’t make us any less precious to Him. Yet it can significantly hold us back from the glorious spiritual and relational flourishing He desires for us.
Understanding God’s Part vs. Our Part
No human alive has the power to save, heal, deliver, raise the dead, or bring salvation. However, our loving Lord won’t do the stewardship that we’re responsible to co-labor with Him in doing. He longs for mature sons and daughters to walk beside Him, ruling and reigning for greater Kingdom advancement. In His wisdom, He won’t steward what rightfully belongs to us.
Many of us struggle to find a balance between depending on God and taking responsibility for our growth. We often swing between two extremes: either believing we must transform ourselves through sheer willpower, or passively waiting for God to magically change us without our participation. The truth lies elsewhere—our emotional maturation requires both divine grace and our willing participation.
While God provides the healing, connection, and transformative power we need, He wants us to consistently participate with Him, practice vulnerability, and apply what we’re learning. It’s not a 50-50 partnership—God does the heavy lifting—but He desires our engagement. Even our small part matters deeply. When we actively engage in the growth process rather than remaining passive, we honor the agency God has given us as His beloved children.
God’s Part:
- Providing the design for healthy relationships
- Creating our capacity for attachment and bonding
- Orchestrating healing opportunities and connections
- Offering grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love
- Being the perfect model of mature love
The Dominion God has Given Us:
- Showing up in relationships with vulnerability and honesty
- Practicing new emotional skills consistently
- Taking responsibility for our responses to others
- Seeking healthy community and attachment figures
- Participating in the healing process actively
How Emotional Maturity Fuels Spiritual Growth
Dear friend, we simply cannot read enough scripture, study enough books, or obey our way into transformation. The part of our brain that holds our identity, belonging, and capacity for peace and joy develops in a community where secure attachment flourishes. This kind of relational growth leads to true transformation that enhances our spiritual maturity.
We’re shaped most powerfully by those we’re deeply attached to—whether that connection heals or harms us. These bonds transform who we become at our core, influencing us far more than any knowledge we might acquire.
As we mature emotionally, we develop:
- Greater capacity to receive God’s love without distortion
- Ability to love others without manipulation or fear
- Increased resilience through life’s challenges
- Deeper discernment in relationships and decisions
- More authentic expression of who God created us to be
All of these qualities significantly enhance our spiritual growth and relationship with God.
Using the Maturity Charts for Growth
The beautiful news is that Life Model Works’ Maturity Charts offer us a clear pathway forward. These charts help us identify areas that need tender attention so we can blossom into emotional maturity.
Explore the Life Model Works Maturity Charts here:
Life Model Works Maturity Charts
In our journey toward maturity, we have a wonderful opportunity to reflect on where we are and explore how we can move forward with greater maturity—together!
As Peter Lazzaro wisely emphasizes, emotional and spiritual maturity go hand in hand. When we work on becoming more emotionally mature, we simultaneously open ourselves to deeper spiritual growth. The two are beautifully intertwined.
As you explore the maturity charts, I encourage you to focus first on the infant and child levels of maturity. Rather than simply checking off skills as present or absent, think of each maturity skill on a spectrum. Try rating yourself on a scale from 1 to 10 for each skill, or use “never, sometimes, always” as an alternative framework. This approach gives you a clearer picture of your maturity skills beyond just a simple check.
Also, notice how these maturity skills connect to Gentle Protector traits. These detailed maturity charts with their many skills are essentially a deconstructed view of Gentle Protector traits at each stage of human development.
To use the maturity charts effectively:
- Begin with honest assessment: Review the infant and child stage indicators first, as these form the foundation for all later maturity.
- Identify your gaps: Look for areas where you struggle consistently—these often indicate maturity gaps from earlier stages.
- Start with just 1-2 focus areas: Choose the most significant gaps to work on rather than trying to address everything at once.
- Find secure attachments: Identify 2-3 emotionally mature people who can provide safe relationship for your growth. This may include spiritual mentor, coaching, or a health therapist or coach.
- Practice new skills: Work on the specific tasks associated with your maturity gaps, starting with the earliest stage gaps first.
- Celebrate progress: Acknowledge every step forward, no matter how small the win may be. Our growth happens through encouragement.
The Five Maturity Stages: A Brief Overview
Infant Stage (0-3 years): Learning to receive love and care; developing secure attachment; forming a joyful identity.
Child Stage (4-12 years): Learning to care for oneself; developing personal agency and responsibility; building essential skills.
Adult Stage (13-birth of first child): Learning to care for two people simultaneously; developing mutuality in relationships; handling difficulties while maintaining connection.
Parent Stage (first birth until youngest child becomes an adult): Sacrificially caring for children; representing God to family; guiding others through emotional regulation.
Elder Stage (beginning when youngest child becomes an adult): Sacrificially caring for community; establishing healthy community identity; seeing others as God sees them.
Breaking Through Emotional Martyrdom
One of the biggest obstacles to maturity is what I call “emotional martyrdom” which is the tendency to sacrifice our emotional needs while believing such sacrifice is godly or necessary. This pattern actually prevents true maturity by keeping us from:
- Receiving authentic love: We can’t give what we haven’t received. Instead we can learn how to receive, receive, receive…from what others are able to give, from mentors, and from Immanuel.
- Expressing honest needs: We deny legitimate needs and then wonder why relationships feel empty. Consider, alternatively, how we can let go of inappropriate control. Notice “what do I feel” and “what do I need?” And learn to express needs and desire in a way that inspires.
- Setting healthy limits: We allow harmful behaviors that inhibit growth. In place, we learn when to say “I can’t” and honor our limits as a mere mortals.
- Experiencing genuine intimacy: Real connection requires emotional authenticity and vulnerability. This is exchanged with showing up with honor for others, expressing apologies for our own limits, choosing to see the deeper heart messages beneath those in fear states, and appreciate the beauty in others and the world around us.
- Modeling mature relationships: We teach others the same unhealthy patterns. Yet when we practice maturity, we inspire others with our way of being and provide a picture of what a gentle protector looks like.
True maturity doesn’t mean martyring your emotional needs. It means developing the capacity to care for yourself AND others in healthy ways. Jesus modeled this perfectly, attending to his own needs while sacrificially loving others.
The Beautiful Truth About Maturity
If we don’t establish a firm foundation in our infant stage by filling those early maturity gaps, we’ll keep falling back into those same “potholes” even as we try to address our child stage maturity gaps. The enemy knows our vulnerabilities and targets our weakest areas to keep us stuck and spinning, making it even harder to learn these tasks as adults.
As Jim Wilder shares: “Maturity never ends, and people need ongoing family and community relationships to stay unstuck in maturity. People need to know who they are, and they need to be frequently reminded of who they are by those who love them.”
The path to maturity requires courage, so we must look honestly at our painful experiences rather than avoiding them. When we face our wounds and traumas with compassion and truth, genuine transformation becomes possible. There simply are no shortcuts around this necessary work of the heart.
The path to emotional and spiritual maturity may not be easy, but with Immanuel beside you and a few faithful companions, you can grow into the wholehearted person God designed you to be, which is fully alive, deeply loving, and spiritually vibrant.
Sources & Further Reading
- Friesen, J. G., Wilder, J., Bierling, A. M., Koepcke, R., & Poole, M. (2013). Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You. Shepherd’s House Inc.
- Lazzaro, P. (2020). The Emotionally Healthy Church: A Strategy for Discipleship that Actually Changes Lives. Zondervan.
- Wilder, J. (2013). Joy Starts Here: The Transformation Zone. Shepherd’s House,Inc.
- Wilder, J., & Michel, M. (2020). The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation. Moody Publishers.
- Wilder, J. (2004). The Complete Guide to Living With Men. Shepherd’s House,Inc.