Note: All client stories have been heavily altered to protect confidentiality while preserving the essential teaching points.
You know those moments when your heart is bursting to help someone, and before you know it, advice starts tumbling out of your mouth? I had one of those moments recently with a friend. As I watched someone share their struggle, I could feel all these solutions bubbling up inside me. But then I remembered what neuroscience has taught us about what actually happens in our brains during these exchanges, and I took a deep breath instead.
Understanding Our Brain’s Response to Unsolicited Advice
Let me share something fascinating about our brains that completely changed how I show up in these moments. When someone gives us unsolicited advice, something remarkable happens in our nervous system. Our brain’s threat detection center – the amygdala – actually lights up like a Christmas tree! Just like a watchful guardian, the amygdala serves as our brain’s danger detector, constantly scanning for threats to our well-being. When we receive uninvited advice, it’s as if our brain is saying, “Wait a minute, am I not capable of figuring this out myself?”
This activation of our threat response system can actually shut down our relational circuits – those precious neural pathways that help us stay connected to ourselves and others. Research has shown that being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health. When we feel unsafe, even subtly, our entire nervous system shifts into protection mode.
In order to change, people need to feel safe enough to let go of old protective patterns. Safety is not just the absence of threat; it is the active presence of connection. (Porges)
The Neural Dance of Connection and Protection
Think of it like this: imagine you’re trying to solve a puzzle, and every time you reach for a piece, someone hands you one they think fits better. Even if they’re right, something in you starts to tense up. That’s your nervous system responding to what it perceives as a subtle threat to your autonomy. This sense of autonomy turns out to be fundamental to our well-being and intrinsic motivation.
Here’s what’s happening behind the scenes in our brains when advice comes our way uninvited:
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- Our relational circuits begin to go offline, making it harder to maintain genuine connection
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- The thinking part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) becomes less accessible as our survival brain takes over
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- Our capacity for creative problem-solving actually diminishes
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- Our nervous system might shift into protection mode, leading us to either defensively reject the advice or numbly agree while internally disconnecting
The Power of Presence: A Case Study
I witnessed one of the most beautiful examples of resisting this advice-giving urge during a group I was in. Alex, was sharing about a heart-wrenching situation with his aging parent. As he spoke, I noticed Kim, one of our long-time friends, literally sitting on her hands. Later, she told us she was physically restraining herself from interrupting and offering all the resources and solutions she knew about elder care from her own experience.
What happened next took my breath away. Instead of giving advice, Kim simply leaned forward slightly and softly said, “I see how much you love your mom. And how hard this is.” This moment perfectly illustrated what neuroscience calls “right-brain to right-brain attunement” – a deep, nonverbal connection that fosters emotional safety and regulation. Tears welled up in Alex’s eyes – not tears of distress, but of relief at being truly seen. In that moment, I watched Alex’s shoulders drop, his breathing deepen, and something shift in his whole being.
“You know what’s funny?” Kim told me later, “I had all these suggestions ready to burst out of me. But watching Alex find his own way felt like watching a flower bloom in a time-lapse photo. If I had given advice, I might have accidentally stepped on those tender shoots of wisdom just starting to emerge from his own heart.”
Creating Brain-Aware Connections
This is why in our JoyPath groups, we’re learning to become what we call “brain-aware companions.” Instead of jumping in with solutions, we practice creating what neuroscientists call a “neuroceptively safe” environment. This means:
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- Maintaining soft eye contact that says “I’m with you” without overwhelming
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- Keeping our own nervous system regulated with resonance so we can offer co-regulation
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- Using gentle, non-directive responses that validate emotions without trying to fix them
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- Staying attuned to subtle signs that someone’s relational circuits might be going offline
The Science of Safe Connection
The beautiful thing is, when we learn to hold space without advice-giving, we actually help activate each other’s social engagement system – that lovely state where real connection and growth can happen. Research shows that this kind of attuned presence creates a “resonance circuit” between people that supports healing and growth.
Think of it like tending a garden. When we give advice, it’s like trying to force a flower to bloom by pulling open its petals. But when we create space, provide the right conditions, and trust the process, we get to witness the natural unfolding of growth and healing. Our bodies have an innate wisdom about what they need when given the right conditions for healing.
The resonant relationship is like a musical duet: two autonomous voices supporting and enhancing each other, creating a whole that is greater than the sum of the parts. (Siegel)
The Gift of Presence
Remember, our brains are wired for connection, not correction. When we trust this truth and learn to sit with each other’s challenges without jumping to fix them, we create the conditions for genuine healing and growth. It’s like learning a new dance – at first it might feel awkward to hold back our solutions, but with practice, we discover the profound gift of being present without fixing.
Through Immanuel Prayer, we’ve witnessed how Jesus often brings exactly what each person needs – sometimes it’s comfort, sometimes it’s clarity, and sometimes it’s a completely unexpected perspective that none of us could have thought to suggest. When we step back from giving advice, we create space for this Divine wisdom to emerge in its own perfect timing.
Isn’t it amazing how understanding a little brain science can transform how we show up for each other? I’d love to hear about your experiences with this. Have you noticed how your own brain and body respond when someone offers unsolicited advice? What helps you stay present without shifting into fix-it mode?
Let’s continue learning together how to create these spaces of safe connection where our brains and hearts can thrive. After all, sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer is not our words of wisdom, but our patient, loving presence.
Further Reading
For readers interested in exploring the neuroscience behind presence and connection, these foundational works provide deeper insight:
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Wilder, J. (2020). *Renovated: God, Dallas Willard, and the church that transforms. NavPres