My Control Wake Up Call (And How Everything Changed)

I used to think I needed to have all the answers. You know that feeling, right? When you’re absolutely certain that if everyone would just do things your way, everything would work out perfectly? (Spoiler alert: I was so wrong…and exhausted!)

Picture this: There I was, reorganizing my husband’s closet again, “helping” my best friend manage her career by sending her job listings she hadn’t asked for, and subtly critiquing my sister’s health choices through “helpful” suggestions. I was using what we call at JoyPath “inappropriate control” – trying to manage things that weren’t mine to manage. I thought I was being loving. I thought I was being supportive. But really? I was building walls instead of bridges.

I wish it had been my lightbulb moment when, on a random Tuesday, when my daughter looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Mom, sometimes I just need you to listen.” Ouch. What did I do wrong?

Here’s what I’ve discovered since and what I’m excited to share with you: The moment we release our death grip on control, something magical happens. Real connection gains a chance to bloom. Authentic intimacy can grow. And those relationships we’ve been trying so hard to perfect? They naturally become more beautiful than we could have engineered.

When Control Feels Like Love (But Isn’t)

Let me tell you about that day I realized I had a PhD in “helping” (aka control). I was standing in my kitchen, reorganizing the dishwasher (again) after someone else loaded it while simultaneously texting my friend about how she “might want to handle” her child’s tantrums. Because obviously, my countless hours of reading parenting books made me an expert on her child, right?

That’s when it hit me – I was so busy trying to control everyone else’s lives that I couldn’t receive the beautiful mess of real connection. You know what I mean by “receive”? It’s that magical ability to just let things be, to allow others their own journey, to accept the gift of their authentic selves without trying to “improve” them.

Here’s what I’ve learned from coaching people from all walks of life (and making every control mistake in the book myself): Our controlling behaviors are like love wearing a disguise. Behind every unsolicited suggestion, every raised eyebrow, every “helpful” critique is usually a tender heart trying to protect or guard itself or someone else from pain. Yet filtered through fear, we grasp for the joy we’re afraid we’ll miss.

Quick Self-Check: Does any of this sound familiar?

• You lie awake worrying about other people’s problems
• You often start sentences with “You should…” or “Why don’t you…”
• You feel responsible for everyone’s happiness
• You’ve been called “controlling” or felt walls go up but think people just don’t understand you’re trying to help
• You’ve held onto judgments while plastering on a smile

The Hidden Cost of Being the “Helper”

One of my clients, Sarah*, came to me exhausted from stepping up as everyone’s go-to problem solver. “I just want everyone to be happy,” she said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. “But the more I try to help them succeed, the more disconnected I feel.”

Oh man, I knew that feeling! The more we try to orchestrate everyone’s lives, the less energy we have for true intimacy. Our “helping” becomes a barrier to the very connection we crave.

Journal Prompt: Think about your closest relationship. What might happen if you spent one whole day not giving any advice or trying to fix anything?

The Dance of Trust and Control

One of the most powerful skills we teach at JoyPath is “Release to Empower” – the art of letting go of inappropriate control. This Gentle Protector skill isn’t just about stepping back; it’s about creating space for others to step forward into their own strength and capability.

Think about it: When we try to control others, even with the best intentions, we’re actually saying “I don’t trust you to handle this.” But when we practice Release to Empower, we’re saying “I trust you, and I honor your journey.” This shift transforms our relationships from management projects into true partnerships.

The key is learning to distinguish between appropriate limits (like expressing your own needs and preferences) and inappropriate control (trying to manage others’ choices, emotions, or growth). This discernment is at the heart of being a Gentle Protector – we protect the relationship by releasing our grip on control.

Think about your own relationships for a moment. When was the last time you:

• Rephrased someone’s answer “to make it clearer”?
• Gave advice that wasn’t asked for?
• Tried to “fix” someone’s feelings?
• Silently judged someone’s choices?

If you’re anything like I was, you might be thinking, “But I’m just trying to help!” I get it. But what if the best way to help is sometimes to not help at all?

The Magic of Receiving

Here’s something that changed everything for me: I learned that my energy proceeds me. Have you experienced those days when you walk into a room already monitoring, managing, and controlling in your mind? Everyone can feel that energy! It’s like walking around with a sign that says “Don’t worry, I’ll manage everything (because clearly you can’t)!”

But when I started practicing receiving – really receiving life, people, and situations exactly as they are – something shifted. My shoulders relaxed. My jaw unclenched. And surprisingly, my relationships started flowing more naturally.

Try this experiment: Next time you’re with someone you love, imagine your energy is like a soft, warm light. Instead of reaching out to fix or change them, let your light simply surround them with acceptance. Notice what happens. (I bet you’ll be amazed!)

The Science Behind the Magic

I’d love to share something fascinating I learned about our brains, which changed how I understand this whole journey of practicing what we call at JoyPath our “Release to Empower” skill (by letting go of inappropriate control).

Here’s what blew my mind: Your brain actually has two different tracks or “security systems” (thank you, Dr. James Wilder, for explaining this in a way that finally made sense to me!).

System #1 is like your inner surveillance camera – always on high alert. When it spots something that feels unsafe (like your teenager making a choice you wouldn’t make), it sets off all the alarms: “Warning! Warning! Must take control immediately!” Sound familiar?

System #2 is more like a wise friend who reminds you to breathe. This is your “rest and restore” system, but I like to think of it as your “trust and connect” channel. This is the part of your brain that lights up when you’re feeling safe and connected – both with others and with Immanuel.

Here’s the really cool part: Every time you practice our Release to Empower skill, you’re actually rewiring your brain! It’s like you’re creating a superhighway between your panic button and your peace center.

Quick Body Check: Where do you feel control in your body right now?

• Tight jaw? (Mine used to be clenched 24/7!)
• Shoulders up by your ears? (Hello, old friend!)
• Stomach in knots? (Been there!)

Your Brain’s Beautiful Design (And How Immanuel Brings Peace)

This whole brain setup isn’t a design flaw – it’s actually a gift! Those control impulses? They’re trying to keep you safe. That peace system? It’s your built-in connection to what truly matters.

When we practice Release to Empower by letting go of inappropriate control, we’re not just changing our behavior – we’re tapping into how we were designed to live and love. It’s like we’re finally using our brains the way they were meant to work!

Here’s what I’ve learned about partnering with Immanuel. Immanuel is one of the names of Jesus, “God with Us”, and present through the power of His Spirit. I can walk with him and turn to him in a relational way when my urge to control arises. Partnering with Him in this process looks like:

• When my “control alarm” goes off, it’s actually an invitation to connect with Him
• Those moments of panic? Perfect times to practice presence
• The peace I feel when I truly trust? That’s my brain and spirit aligning with His design

Try This: Next time you feel that urge to control…

1. Put one hand on your heart
2. Take a deep breath
3. Whisper “Immanuel, help me trust”
4. Notice how your body responds (Mine always relaxes!)

The Trust-Joy Connection

Here’s something wild about our brains: When we’re in control mode, our relational circuits actually dim, and our joy dwindles! But when we practice Release to Empower, something beautiful happens:

• Oxytocin (the connection hormone) starts flowing
• Our relational circuits brighten, and we are able to feel calm, compassionate, curious, and connected
• We can actually feel joy and peace physically in our bodies

Personal Story: I remember the first time I really got this. I was about to “fix” my husband’s conversation with my daughter (uninvited, of course!). But instead of jumping in, I paused and connected with Immanuel. The peace I felt in that moment was physical – like a warm wave of relief washing over me. And guess what? My husband and my daughter worked things out without my “help”!

Your Brain on Trust

When you practice Release to Empower by letting go of inappropriate control, your brain literally changes. Here’s what’s happening behind the scenes:

• New neural pathways form (goodbye, control superhighway!)
• Your stress responses calm down
• Your capacity for joy increases
• Your spiritual awareness deepens

Practice Pause: Right now, take a moment to notice…

• Where do you feel tension in your body?
• What happens when you whisper “I trust” ?
• Can you feel Immanuel’s presence in this moment?

Remember, friend – this skill isn’t just about changing behavior. It’s about aligning with how we were created to live: in trust, in connection, in joy. Every time you choose to Release to Empower, you’re not just transforming your relationships – you’re transforming your brain and deepening your spiritual connection too!

The “I’m Just Trying to Help” Trap

Remember when I told you about reorganizing my husband’s closet? That was just the tip of my “helping” iceberg! I was the queen of unsolicited advice, always ready with a “better” way to do things and lots strong opinions announced. Sound familiar?

What it looks like:

• Giving advice nobody asked for (even if it’s brilliant!)
• Correcting people’s grammar (guilty!)
• “Improving” someone else’s work
• Sending articles about how they could do things better

What to do instead: Zip it! Unless someone specifically asks for your input, practice the art of keeping your brilliant ideas to yourself. This one’s a game-changer!

The “I Know Best” Trap

In full confession, I once created a detailed list of “suggested improvements” for my daughter’s school project. (I can laugh about it now!) I thought I was being supportive. In reality, I was sending the message that I didn’t trust her judgment.

What it looks like:

• Taking over projects “to help”
• Making decisions for others
• Planning everything down to the minute
• Always having a “better” solution

What to do instead: Take a deep breath and say these magic words: “I trust your judgment.” (Even if you’re dying inside!)

The “Fix-It Felix” Trap

In adulthood, my specialty became problem solving! The moment someone shared a problem, I’d jump into solution mode also called Task-Enemy Mode by Dr. Jim Wilder, which takes place in the non-relational part of the brain. While I thought I was being relational by offering unsolicited help, in reality, I was stepping out of relational mode and could only see a problem to be solved. Does this is sounds familiar?

What it looks like:

• Interrupting stories with solutions
• Feeling responsible for others’ happiness
• Unable to just listen without fixing
• Getting anxious when others struggle

What to do instead: Practice saying “That sounds hard” instead of offering solutions. (I know it feels wrong at first – trust the process!)

Experiments in Letting Go (That Won’t Make You Lose Your Mind)

Ready to try something radical? If you relate and have interest in pursuing a shift towards empowerment, here are some baby steps that made a huge difference in my relationships:

1. The Silent Support Challenge
For one full day, try not to give any advice unless specifically asked. Instead, use these phrases:

• “I hear you”
• “That sounds challenging”
• “What do you think you’ll do?”
  (Warning: This might feel like chewing gravel at first!)

2. The “Whatever You Think” Marathon
Choose one day to respond to all non-emergency decisions with “Whatever you think.” Notice:

• How many times you want to jump in with “better” ideas
• What emotions come up when you stay quiet
• How others respond to your trust

3. The Energy Experiment
Before entering any room, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I coming in as a controller or a receiver?
• What energy am I bringing?
• Can I soften my expectations?

Journal Prompt: What’s the hardest part about letting others make their own choices? What fears come up when you think about not being in control?

Real Talk: The Messy Middle

Let me introduce you to my client Marina. She came to me tense and flooded with overwhelm, convinced she was ruining her relationships by being “too much.” As she shared her story, I saw myself in every word.

“I just want everyone to be happy,” she said, twisting her wedding ring. “But the more I try to make things perfect, the more exhausted I feel and the more my family pulls away.”

Oh, how I recognized that painful place! It’s like being stuck in a control loop where the more we try to create connection through managing everything, the more disconnected we become.

Here’s what I’ve learned from my own journey and from my clients’ journeys: Our controlling patterns often show up in sneaky ways we don’t even recognize as control. Let me share some real-life examples that might feel familiar:

The Subtle Art of Taking Over

With my client Jessica, she couldn’t understand why her sister stopped sharing things with her. Then we discovered that every time her sister talked about a problem, Jessica would immediately jump in with a solution, three backup plans, and a PowerPoint presentation. (Okay, I’m exaggerating about the PowerPoint, but you get the idea!)

The shift happened when Jessica learned to simply say, “That sounds hard. I trust you’ll figure it out.” Within weeks, her sister started coming to her more often, just to talk.

The “Helpful” Suggestion Syndrome

This one’s personal. I used to be the queen of “helpful” suggestions. My friends would share their dreams, and I’d immediately start pointing out potential problems, pitfalls, and “better” way to do things. I thought I was being a realist, but really, I was raining on their parade with my practical umbrella!

The Emotion Manager

One of my clients, Beth, spent years trying to manage her husband’s emotions. If he seemed stressed, she’d immediately try to fix it. If he was quiet, she’d probe until he talked. If he was happy, she’d worry about how long it would last. Sound exhausting? It was!

The breakthrough came when Beth realized she could simply receive his emotions without trying to change them. “It’s like I finally gave him permission to be human,” she told me, her face lighting up with relief.

Quick Self-Check: How many of these feel familiar?

• Do you finish other people’s sentences?
• Do you rehearse conversations in your head, planning how to guide them to your preferred outcome?
• Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions?
• Do you find yourself thinking “If they would just listen to me, everything would be better”?

Facing Our Fears: The Questions That Changed Everything

Let me tell you about James, one of my clients who transformed his relationship with his teenage son. As a successful executive used to managing complex projects, James approached parenting the same way – with checklists, improvement plans, and constant monitoring.

“I just want him to have every advantage,” James told me, his voice heavy with frustration. “But the more I try to guide him, the more he pulls away. I’m terrified he’ll make the same mistakes I did.”

That’s when we explored what I call the Four Fear Questions – a powerful tool that helps us understand what’s really driving our need to control. Here they are:

1. “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t control this?”
   When James asked himself this question, he realized he was terrified his son would struggle in college admissions like he had. But this fear was keeping him from seeing his son’s unique path.
2. “Is this fear realistic based on past experience?”
   Looking at the evidence, James had to admit his son had always shown good judgment when trusted with independence. His fear was more about his past than his son’s present.
3. “Can I actually control this situation?”
   This was the game-changer for James. No amount of monitoring or managing could guarantee his son’s future. In fact, his attempts at control were damaging their relationship in the present.
4. “Is the attempt to control worth the potential cost to intimacy?”
   When James really sat with this question, he realized he was sacrificing their connection for the illusion of control. “I’d rather have a close relationship with my son than the false comfort of thinking I can protect him from every mistake,” he shared.

Try This: Take a moment right now to think of a situation where you’re trying to control someone or something. Run it through these four questions. What comes up for you? There is no right or wrong answer to these questions, just an opportunity to explore what’s underneath.

The Freedom in Letting Go

Here’s what I want you to remember: Every controlling pattern comes from a good place – a heart that cares deeply and wants to protect those we love and receive some joy that we fear we are missing. The fear of loss of joy is steering the control. But true intimacy requires the courage to let go and trust.

Journal Prompt: Think of someone you love. What might become possible in your relationship if you trusted them completely with their own journey?

Your Permission Slip to Receive

Consider this your official permission slip to stop managing everyone else’s life and start receiving the gift of real connection. I invite you to experiment with a daily practice guide:

Morning Magic (Start Your Day with Intention)

• Take 5 minutes of quiet time before jumping into “fix it” mode
• Set an intention to receive rather than control
• Ask yourself: “How can I trust more and manage less today?”

Daily Practices for Recovering Controllers

1. The WAIT Practice

• W: Why am I talking?
• A: Am I adding value?
• I: Is this invitation or intrusion?
• T: Time to trust?

2. The Three-Breath Pause
Before giving advice or making a suggestion:

• Breath 1: Notice the urge to control
• Breath 2: Feel your feet on the ground
• Breath 3: Choose trust over control

3. The Trust Phrases
Keep these handy and use them liberally:

• “I trust your judgment”
• “Whatever you think”
• “I hear you”
• “That sounds hard”

Evening Reflection

Take 5 minutes before bed to celebrate your wins:

• When did you choose trust over control today?
• What magic happened when you let go?
• Where did you see others shine when you stepped back?

Remember: Progress over perfection, sister! Every time you choose trust over control, you’re building stronger, more intimate connections.

Start Right Where You Are

Your controlling patterns developed for good reasons. They protected you, helped you survive, and showed how much you care. Now it’s time to thank them for their service and choose a new way of connecting. You’ve got this, dear friend!

1. Notice your control patterns: Keep a small notebook handy and jot down each time you feel the urge to “fix” something for someone else.
2. Practice the Sacred Pause: Before jumping in with advice or suggestions, take three deep breaths.
3. Try this magic phrase: “I hear you.” (Just that. Nothing else. I know it’s hard. Trust me on this one!)

Journal Prompt: What’s the scariest thing about letting go of control in your relationships? What might become possible if you did?

Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Every person I’ve ever coached (including myself!) has struggled with letting go of control. But the freedom and connection waiting on the other side? Absolutely worth it.

Your Next Steps

1. Choose ONE relationship to practice with this week
2. Keep your Trust Phrases somewhere visible
3. Celebrate every tiny win
4. Be gentle with yourself when you slip back into control mode
5. Connect with others on this journey whether a friend, mentor, JoyPath Coach

Final Journal Prompt: What would it feel like to be fully trusted by someone you love? Can you offer that gift to others today?

A Note About JoyPath’s Gentle Protector Skills

The skill discussed in this article—Release to Empower by Letting Go of Inappropriate Control, is one of the transformative Gentle Protector skills practiced at JoyPath. When combined with the other skills, these techniques facilitate powerful shifts in both life and relationships. To learn more about JoyPath’s comprehensive framework of Gentle Protector skills and its synergistic effects, explore the article  Understanding the Gentle Protector Skills.

*Note: All client stories have been lovingly altered to protect privacy while preserving the heart of each transformation journey.